The Official Jokes Thread

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The Cow: I give 50 liters of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!
The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!

































Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...

Damn it, you got me......:finger:
 
A blind man is walking down the street heading for a busy intersection. The light for pedestrians to cross turns red and the dog steps off the curb...a guy next to him reaches out and grabs them both just barely missed being hit by a truck. The blind man says "thanks" and reaches in his pocket for a dog treat...he bends over to give it to the dog when the guy that saved him says "hey wait a minute, you're going to reward THAT dog for nearly killing you?" The blind man said "NO, I'm not, I'm looking for his face so I can kick him in the ass"!
 

James

Staff member
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet.[That made his day!][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] ;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Thoughtfully yours,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Alex[/FONT]
 
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet.[That made his day!][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] ;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Thoughtfully yours,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Alex[/FONT]

In short...an idiot bringing a knife to a gun fight! :prof:
 

James

Staff member
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.

At that very moment, a bee flew in through his window.

The bee said,
"What seems to be the problem?"

"I'm out of gas," the man answered.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.


Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of beesflew to his car and into his gas tank. A few minutes later, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.


"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank?"

The bee answered,








Wait for it. Wait for it..










You're just gonna love this..:smirk:




[/FONT]BP.gifBee.gif
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]

[/FONT]
 

James

Staff member
Proofreading is a Dying Art these days!


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

------------------------------------------------------------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
-------------------------------------------------------

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
 

James

Staff member
Past Great Orators of the Democratic Party:

"One man with courage makes a majority." Andrew Jackson

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Franklin D. Roosevelt

"The buck stops here." Harry S. Truman

"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." John F. Kennedy







And, from today's genius Democrats...

It depends what your definition of 'Sex' is?'' Bill Clinton

"That Obama ... I would like to cut his NUTS off." Jesse Jackson

"Those rumors are false ... I believe in the sanctity of marriage." John Edwards

"I invented the Internet." - Al Gore

"The next Person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their ASS." Joe Biden

" America is ... is no longer, uh, what it ... it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was ... uh, and I say to myself, 'uh, I don't want that future, uh, uh for my children." Barack Obama

"I have campaigned in all 57 states." Barack Obamaï (Quoted 2008)

"You don't need God anymore, you have us Democrats." Nancy Pelosiï¿ (Quoted 2006)

"Paying taxes is voluntary." Sen. Harry Reid

"Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he." Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998)

"We just have to pass the Healthcare Bill to see what's in it." - Nancy Pelosi (Quoted March, 2010)
 

James

Staff member
pick out the best looking girl in the room.

sit down next to her, and look at her, then look at your watch. do it again. and again. eventually she'll ask you why you are looking at your watch.

"are you expecting someone?" she may inquire.

now tell her that you have a state-of-the-art watch that telepathically tells you things about other people. and you were just listening to it tell you things about her. she has to be curious at this point.

she'll smile and ask, "so what's it saying about me?"

you'll reply, "my watch says you have no underwear on".

and of course she'll say "well, that's wrong, because i do have underwear on."

at this point vigorously shake your watch, then say, with a totally straight face,
"hmmm, seems my watch is an hour fast".

By: Jim aka the wrooster
 
PBK...you do know sure is not spelled with an "H" right? I've noticed this on several occassions.............:prof:

yes i do but for some resonr that H just seems to get there some how i have no idea why i do it. that H follows me :devil:
 
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