The Official Jokes Thread

A woman telling her doctor that the reason she's over weight is becasue she has metal fillings in her mouth and has quite an assortment of magnets on her refridgerator that keep pulling her towards it...:shocked:

A woman tells the waitor that she would like to have "broiled chicken breats, green beans and a baked potato with nothing on it....but to bring her an order of lasagna and garlic bread and anti pasta salad by mistake. :naughty:
 
A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in
Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in
the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she
started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,she
encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the
ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In
considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining
room and he would see if he could help her.She sat and waited
for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded " What took you so long?" and he
replied "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental
Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a
recreational area."
 
Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for.
Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they
had done to the doctor. The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his
stethoscope so he couldn't hear. The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse
than that. I poked holes in all his condoms. The third nurse fainted.
 
Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. So
they plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-old
says he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.
Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. And when their
mother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll have
some Fruit Loops."
Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on his
chair, sending him screaming back upstairs. She then turns to the 6-year-old
and says, "What are you going to have?" He replies, "I don't know, but
you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."


:lol::cry::lol:
 
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
 
In the good old days, things were not so good.
We had to walk to school barefoot, ten miles each way, all up hill, in snow up to our armpits.
We had to get up before we went to bed, go to the barn and milk three hundred head by hand before breakfast, which was a hand full of beans.
We were so poor we had dry beans for breakfast, a glass of water for lunch, and then wait for it to swell up for supper.
We were so poor, if you didn't wake up with a hard on you had nothing to play with all day.
 
In the good old days, things were not so good.
We had to walk to school barefoot, ten miles each way, all up hill, in snow up to our armpits.
We had to get up before we went to bed, go to the barn and milk three hundred head by hand before breakfast, which was a hand full of beans.
We were so poor we had dry beans for breakfast, a glass of water for lunch, and then wait for it to swell up for supper.
We were so poor, if you didn't wake up with a hard on you had nothing to play with all day.
You know...I started this years ago.....back when YOU were young! :shocked:
 
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