The Official Jokes Thread
- Thread starter James
- Start date
My dog was standing at the front door barking so I opened it to let him out, he wanted ME to leave!
I asked my wife, I said "how about a night of wild passionate sex?" She said that sounds great! And she grabbed her purse and left!
No respect, no respect at all..
I tell ya, I asked my dad I said “dad why do you never take me to the zoo? He said if they want you back they'll come get you.
I asked my wife, I said "how about a night of wild passionate sex?" She said that sounds great! And she grabbed her purse and left!
No respect, no respect at all..
I tell ya, I asked my dad I said “dad why do you never take me to the zoo? He said if they want you back they'll come get you.
My mom used to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
At the end of the sermon, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express a praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed.
"The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.
“Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum and wrap fine wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples.”
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.
“Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank." The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.”
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed.
"The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.
“Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum and wrap fine wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples.”
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.
“Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank." The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.”
a Mexican guy, a black guy and a white guy were in a bar drinking, when a man walks in wearing a genie outfit. The black guy laughed and said it's not halloween what's with the genie suit? The genie said, "these are my clothes, as I am a genie!" "Ok", the black guy said "if you're a real genie grant me a wish." "I wish that Africa was a lush green Utopia, filled with everlasting peace and all the Black people would live there forever in peace and harmony." Suddenly, the Black man found himself standing at an African oasis holding a pineapple drink with an umbrella in it.
The Mexican was astonished and said "I want a wish!" "I wish that Mexico is a land of paradise where the women are all goddess, and nobody ever has to work the fields and all the Mexicans will live there in peace and harmony." And POOF suddenly the Man found himself seated in a lounge chair being fanned with giant leaves by two beautiful women.
"What say you now?" The genie boomed to the remaining man. They guy thought for a moment, and said, "Wait, all the blacks are in Africa, and all the Mexicans are in Mexico?"
"I'll have a coke."
The Mexican was astonished and said "I want a wish!" "I wish that Mexico is a land of paradise where the women are all goddess, and nobody ever has to work the fields and all the Mexicans will live there in peace and harmony." And POOF suddenly the Man found himself seated in a lounge chair being fanned with giant leaves by two beautiful women.
"What say you now?" The genie boomed to the remaining man. They guy thought for a moment, and said, "Wait, all the blacks are in Africa, and all the Mexicans are in Mexico?"
"I'll have a coke."
