A woman that happened to be an animal lover heard a screech of tires outside her home. She ran out to see a dead skunk that had been hit by a car. As she headed back to her porch, she heard a gentle mewing sound and looked under the stairs, where 5 baby skunks were hiding. She gathered them into a box and called the vet. The vet said, "Since they're babies, the most important thing is to keep them warm. I'd recommend you lay down on your bed and let them cuddle between your legs."
"But Doctor," the woman said, "what about the smell?"
"Don't worry, they'll get used to it."
A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"
Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.
But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks,
"Are you calling me a horse's ass?"
"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,
"Hard to fool them flies, though."
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the Kentucky local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them& could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet. After a year's time, whichever family had become more Americanized would win.
A year later they got together.
The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I ate at McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud. How about you?"
The second man replied..... "Screw you, towel-head."
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They r n heaven trying 2 enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, ' tami, have you ever had any contact with a male naughty organ? ' She giggles and shyly replies, Well i once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. ' He says okay dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates. He ask the next girl the same question she says well i once fondled and stroked one, he says okay dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gates. All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One pushes her way to the front of the line. When she gets there he asks, Mariah, what seams to be the rush? She says ' if i'm going to have to gargle that holy water i want to do it before natalie sticks her ass in it!
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, “Damn, why are you drinking so fast?”
The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.”
The bartender says, “What do you have?”
The guy says, “about 75 cents.”