The Official Jokes Thread

Drinking with an Arizona Girl

A Mexican, an Arab, and an Arizona girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Arizona girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab..

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill,she says, 'In Arizona , we have so many illegal aliens that

we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

God Bless Arizona!!
 
A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch
together, when gramps pull a beer out of his cooler.
The little boy asks: "Can I have a beer Grandpa?"
Grandpa replies: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
The little boy answered: "No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker."
Gramps says: "Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer!"

A little later, Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks: "Can I
have a cigar Grandpa?"
Once again, Grandpa asks: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
Once again, the little boy replies: "No, it's too little.
Grandpa says, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar!"

A little later, the little boy comes out of the house with milk and
cookies.
Grandpa asks: "Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?"
The boy asks: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
Laughing, Gramps replies: "HELL Yes, my pecker can touch my ass!"
The little boy replies: "Then go **** yourself! Grandma made these for me!"
 
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her female private urges . You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, said, 'You're lying to me!'

The social worker said, 'Yeah, well, you started it!'
 
5,000 men surveyed were
asked why they liked blow jobs.



1% liked the warmth


2% liked the
sensation


3% liked the eroticism

And……..

94% just liked the peace and
quiet
 


Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him,

looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here good looking, I screw

anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,

back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes

on, it doesn't matter to me. I just love it."



Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm in Congress too. What state are you from?"
 

James

Staff member
Men are just happier people‏.

NICKNAMES:

  • If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
  • If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT:

  • When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
  • When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY:

  • A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
  • A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS:

  • A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ..
  • The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS:

  • A woman has the last word in any argument.
  • Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE:

  • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  • A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS:

  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
  • A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE:

  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
  • A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP:

  • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
  • A man will dress up for weddings and funerals..
NATURAL:

  • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
  • Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING:

  • Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
  • A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
 
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to
him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how
he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said, pointing , "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel.
 

James

Staff member
Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants,
concerts, movies, and museums.

Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love.

Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant.

While having drinks and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut.

I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe
golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded,
"Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied.

He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not

keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
 

James

Staff member
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q&A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
  • If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka ...
  • If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
  • If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
  • If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ..
  • If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
  • If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
  • If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer, or

5) Tattoos.


(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.:smirk:
 

James

Staff member
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't and are always
Seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.
 
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