The Official Jokes Thread

Two men leave a store. One man walks to his Corvette, the other walks out to his moped. The guy with the moped admires the Corvette and the owner lets him take a look at it. The he gets on his moped, the other guy gets into his 'Vette, and they both leave the parking lot. The guy in the Corvette decides to show off and race out of the parking lot. He stops at a stop light. Enjoying his music he looks out the window and sees the guy on the moped flying by at about 80 mph! He can't believe a moped can go that fast! So he races up to the guy on the moped and passes him again to show how fast he can go. At the next stop light, the guy on the moped speeds by once more. Finally the Corvette and moped stop at the same stop light.

''How the hell did you go past me so fast like that!?'' the guy in the Corvette asks.

The guy on the moped, all flushed and pale, looks at the man and says, ''MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR ASSHOLE!!!!''
 
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
 
A guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians while he drives. So one day he's driving andsees an old lady with a cane and he decides to control his urge to swerve and hit her -- but he can't.

Later, he sees a kid skating and can't resist hitting the kid. Finally, he decides he needs help from above so he goes to a church and asks the pastor for help.

So after church, the pastor invites him to his house for lunch. They get in the car and start to drive down the street, and just as he starts to tell the pastor about his problem, he sees an old blind man walking down the street. He swerves toward him but misses, and the pastor says, ''Don't worry. I got him with the door!''
 
Definition of an "EXPERT" pronounced "x-spert"

EX = has-been
Spert = A drip under pressure

Never admit to being an expert!!!!
 
A hooker walks up to a Polock and says "hey, I want you to put the hardest thing you got where I pee"! The Polock asks, "why would I put my bowling ball in your toilet"...? :lame:
 
LARRY IS IN ROOM 232 AT THE HOSPITAL!


Okay, so you're asking, " Who in the hell is 'Larry "?

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?

'Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo!?' she screeched.. 'What kind of tattoo !?'

'I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking?! She said, shaking her head in total disgust.

'Why in the world would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill Tattooed on his Dick?'

Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I enjoy playing with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.


And, lastly, instead of YOU going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!'
 
I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed
to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really
twisting sections of mountain road with no straight sections to
speak of and where most of the bends have warning signs that
say "MAX SPEED 15 MPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those
big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where
handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could
catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and
cornering. Three corners later, I was on his mudguard. Catching him
was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the
mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly
got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd
manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but
when we came out he'd get on the throttle and out-power me. His
horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me
more determined than ever.

My only hope was to out-brake him. I held off squeezing the lever
until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an
instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of
his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before
the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I
stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the
canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see
him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles
before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I
was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the
tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more
than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. Though it was
not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the mountain and I had
preserved the proud tradition of one of the best bits of Brit iron.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedaled
so hard in my life. And, some of the credit must go to Huffy
cycles, as well. They really make a great bicycle...
 
A Sailor comes home from a long tour of duty...grabs his wife, hugs and kisses her like never before...he strips her of her clothes lays her down on the carpet and procedes to kiss her neck, stomach then between her legs...after several attempts to arouse her he lifts his head up and says..."wow, having missed me for so long you sure are awfully dry"...she responded back..."pick your head up fool, you're lickin the carpet..."
 
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.



'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.



'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.' The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..' Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.



Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.' Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!



Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.



'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.' The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit
 
A husband says to his wife,

"What would you do if I won the Lotto?"

She didn't hesitate for a second and said,

"I'd take half, then leave you."

After 20 years of marriage, I so respected and appreciated the honesty
of her straight forward answer.

I said,



"Excellent, I won $12 bucks, here's $6, now get out."
 

James

Staff member
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+Tourist: $5.00
+Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+Fried Explorer: $15.00
+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a price difference for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
 

James

Staff member
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'













The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog. :smirk:
 
Joe walks into a bar with his dog Ralphie...he sits down at the bar, Ralphie jumps up next to him. Bartender asks, "so what'll it be"...Joe says I'll have a beer", "me too says Ralphie". The bartender turns around laughing and says, real cute I'll give you another one when you finish this one...Joe says "no, really, Ralphie CAN talk". The bartender says arlight then Ralphie, say something". Ralphie says, "I'll take that beer AND a bowl of peanuts". The bartender looks on in amazment and asks "what else can he do?", Joe says "hold on while I go take a leak, when I come back I'll show ya." The bartender flips Ralphie 5 bucks and says, Go across the street and buy me a pack of smokes"...Ralphie says "Okee Dokee" jumps off the stool and runs outside. Joe comes out of the bathroom and see's Ralphie isn't sitting at the bar... "where's my fuckin dog?", the tender says "don't worry about it, I gave him a couple bucks to go buy me some smokes, he'll be right back". Joe yells at him "he's color blind and doesn't know when to cross the street"...they both run outsode just to find Ralphie humpin a cute little poodle...Joe says "Ralphie, you've never done this before"..Ralphie says "but boss, I've never had 5 bucks before"!
 
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