The Official Jokes Thread

Dear Abby:

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them. I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my dirt-bike so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle, that I noticed a hairline crack in the tank just below the fill cap.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer where I bought it? It's an 06 KTM 300 XCW.
 
What is the difference between a picture of Jesus Christ, and the real Jesus Christ?

It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus Christ.

What do hillbilly's say after sex?

Get off me pa your crushing my smokes.
 
Guy walks into a quiet pub a with his dog, at the time Hearts are 1-0 up in the Cup Final.
He asks for a pint. Soon after the dog does a backflip.Barman says"What the Fuck. Why does yer Dug Do that?
Guys Says, everytime he Backflips, Celtic have scored, must be 1-1.
Orders up another Pint, Soon afterwards the Dug Backflips again, Guy Says "2-1,Celtic".
Barman says"Your Fucking Having a laugh, am away tae Check the Score ".
2 mins later Hes Back.
" Jesus Christ Yer Spot On ".
Few Minutes Later Dug Backflips 3 times.
Guy Says" Game over, Celtic are Treble Treble Winners".
Barman Says"I Fucking Beileve You mate, But can i Ask you One Question? "
Fire Away Mate....

" What Does Yer Dug Do if Rangers Win Anything?? "

" Fuck Knows,
Only Had Him 8 years.... "
 
Guy walks into a quiet pub a with his dog, at the time Hearts are 1-0 up in the Cup Final.
He asks for a pint. Soon after the dog does a backflip.Barman says"What the Fuck. Why does yer Dug Do that?
Guys Says, everytime he Backflips, Celtic have scored, must be 1-1.
Orders up another Pint, Soon afterwards the Dug Backflips again, Guy Says "2-1,Celtic".
Barman says"Your Fucking Having a laugh, am away tae Check the Score ".
2 mins later Hes Back.
" Jesus Christ Yer Spot On ".
Few Minutes Later Dug Backflips 3 times.
Guy Says" Game over, Celtic are Treble Treble Winners".
Barman Says"I Fucking Beileve You mate, But can i Ask you One Question? "
Fire Away Mate....

" What Does Yer Dug Do if Rangers Win Anything?? "

" Fuck Knows,
Only Had Him 8 years.... "
Way to revive a thread Alex.

There once was a lady from Whales
She lived off the for skin of snails
When she could not find these
She lived off the cheese
That she scraped from mens tool with her nails
 
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