The Official Jokes Thread

James

Staff member
Yesterday..... When my doctor asked me about
what I did yesterday, I told him about my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake,
escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched
up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy,
crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an
aggressive rattlesnake"

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an
awesome outdoorsman!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."
 

James

Staff member
Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife:



1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.



And last, but not least:



12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff!!!




To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.
 
:lol: :thumb:
Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife:



1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.



And last, but not least:



12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff!!!




To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.
 
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough,
as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly
alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in Alabama ) light it, put it in a beer can(COORS),
then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the
shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'
( you'll love this...)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Texas, Colorado, Illinois, Indiana, Florida, Nebraska, Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and All of Washington DC.
 
Compliments of my good(non-Joisey) friend Aakmetz.....

a lesbian couple says to their good man friend and neighbor, "Happy Birthday! what would you like for a gift?" The man replies "I wanna watch!"............. they bought him a Rolex.....
 
A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.“Twenty dollars”, she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.It's a police officer.“What's going on here people?”, asks the officer.“I'm making love to my wife!”, Bubba answers sounding annoyed.“Oh, I'm sorry”, says the cop, “I didn't know.”Bubba says, “Well, neither did I, till ya shined that light in her face!"
 
A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.“Twenty dollars”, she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.It's a police officer.“What's going on here people?”, asks the officer.“I'm making love to my wife!”, Bubba answers sounding annoyed.“Oh, I'm sorry”, says the cop, “I didn't know.”Bubba says, “Well, neither did I, till ya shined that light in her face!"
:lol::lol::lol:
 
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