The Official Jokes Thread

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
:lol: hahahahahha Nice
 
A grasshopper walks into a bar one day, jumps on a stool at the bar...the bartender walks over to him and says "HEY, we have a drink named after you"....the grasshopper looks at him in amazment :shocked: and says "YOU have a drink named STEVE?"
 
The simple ones are always a kicker to me. :lol:
A grasshopper walks into a bar one day, jumps on a stool at the bar...the bartender walks over to him and says "HEY, we have a drink named after you"....the grasshopper looks at him in amazment :shocked: and says "YOU have a drink named STEVE?"
 
Man calls 911 and says, “I think my wife is dead.”

The operator says how do you know?

He says, “The sex is the same but the laundry is piling up!”

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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.

I said, “You're pulling my leg.”

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A wife says to her husband, “You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says, “What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.”

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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You're obviously not listening.”

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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.
 
Man calls 911 and says, “I think my wife is dead.”

The operator says how do you know?

He says, “The sex is the same but the laundry is piling up!”
:lol:...:lol:...:lol:...don't get me wrong, they were all funny but THIS one is hillllllarious...
 
Daddy's car in the woods?
Little Johnny watched his Daddy's' car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car a and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane In a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mom, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to Look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his Pants off, then Aunt Jane ...At this point Mommy cut him off and said, ' Johnny , this is such An interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it Tonight.'


At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny To tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the Playground and I saw my Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a Big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.' Mommy fainted!












Moral:
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story Before you interrupt!
 

James

Staff member
If you can answer this correctly, you can answer the question on what action to take on raising the Federal debt ceiling.

You come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup and you have sewage up to your ceilings.



What do you do……raise the ceilings, or pump out the shit?
 
If you can answer this correctly, you can answer the question on what action to take on raising the Federal debt ceiling.

You come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup and you have sewage up to your ceilings.



What do you do……raise the ceilings, or pump out the shit?


ummmm PUMP the SHIT out!
:P
 

James

Staff member
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 40th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas . When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to Room 217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swinging her hips provocatively.

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

Even George was taken aback. "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
 
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