The Official Jokes Thread

[rezrider]

You have to talk as if you have a hair lip when he's speaking

This hair lipped guy walks up to the bar and sits down noticing the buldge on the bartenders back...the bar tender walks over to him and asks "what can I getcha"? the hair lip guys says "well, I guess I'll half um beer plffease"..."alright says the bartender", he sets the beer down and says "that'll be $7.00"...the hairlip guys "looks at him with opened eyes and says" $7.00, my god that's a little high isn't it"? "do you want it or not"? asks the keep..."ok, ok, I'll take id...but it's still high". The hairlip guy takes a drink and asks the tender, "so, whadda half to ead around here"? the tender says "we've got peanuts, popcorn, pretzles...", the hair lip says, "I'll half some nuds, how much"? the keep says "let's see, that'll be $5.00"....gain the hair lip looks at him...... and says wow, how cum bit's so much"? the keep asks again "do ya want em of not"? Hair lip says "yeah, yeah I'll take em...my god shids really high id here....but I half do say you've been very pleasant with me by not making fun of my hair lip"! The bartender replies...ahh, no worries I want to thank YOU for not making fun of my HUNCHED BACK...."hunch back?" says the hair lip..."I thought that was your ass since everything else is so high"... TRUE STORY!

 

[James]

"I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'

Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into......





















urine.

 

[James]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.



The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

 

[rezrider]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.



The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

NICE....I've got dog you can have. No waiting line either....

 

[530ktm]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.



The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

 

[530ktm]

This small airplane had the pilot, 3 boy scouts, a lawyer and a priest. Suddenly the pilot yells that there are only 3 parachutes and the plane is going to crash so the parachutes should go to the boy scouts. The lawyer jumps up and says fuck the boy scouts and the priest replies, do you think there is time?

 

[rezrider]

This small airplane had the pilot, 3 boy scouts, a lawyer and a priest. Suddenly the pilot yells that there are only 3 parachutes and the plane is going to crash so the parachutes should go to the boy scouts. The lawyer jumps up and says fuck the boy scouts and the priest replies, do you think there is time?

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo that's all I'm gona say!

 

[timoyz]

Remind me never to ride with 530 when there's a lightning storm nearby.

 

[CDA]

A guy is not getting along with his wife. He thinks maybe he'd
like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around
he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. He notices that it
doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud,

"Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot."

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually
understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly
intelligent, thoroughly educated bird. "

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but
since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis
around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see
it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" he says. "I can't afford
that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20 -- just make an offer."

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a
great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good
advice. The guy is delighted.

One day he comes home from work and the parrot says,

"pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up
close to the cage.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot,
"but it's about your wife and the mailman..."

"What?" says the guy. "What?"

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown
and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"Oh No!" the guy says, "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down ..."

The parrot pauses for a long time.

"Then what... what happened next... WHAT HAPPENED?" says the frantic guy.

"I don't know," says the Parrot, "that's when I fell off my
perch."

 

[rezrider]

A guy is not getting along with his wife. He thinks maybe he'd
like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around
he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. He notices that it
doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud,

"Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot."

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually
understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly
intelligent, thoroughly educated bird. "

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but
since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis
around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see
it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" he says. "I can't afford
that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20 -- just make an offer."

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a
great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good
advice. The guy is delighted.

One day he comes home from work and the parrot says,

"pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up
close to the cage.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot,
"but it's about your wife and the mailman..."

"What?" says the guy. "What?"

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown
and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"Oh No!" the guy says, "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down ..."

The parrot pauses for a long time.

"Then what... what happened next... WHAT HAPPENED?" says the frantic guy.

"I don't know," says the Parrot, "that's when I fell off my
perch."

Bird jokes..I HATE bird jokes...............

 

[James]

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the
tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man,
and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be
confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under
the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a
man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the
tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

 

[jackson409]

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the
tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man,
and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be
confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under
the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a
man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the
tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

hope no certain northern DBA member sees this

 

[rezrider]

hope no certain northern DBA member sees this

as in the GREAT WHITE NORTH ..........aye.........

 

[rezrider]

A sexually deprived woman gets so desperate tha she puts an ad in the local paper that read
"WANTED"
An honest man who won't push me around, will love me, hold me, make passionate love to me, dance with me and will not run when the going gets tough. Please note: MUST be great lovers and most important well endowed.

SO, time goes by, one man after another like a revolving door, keep coming in and out of her house very few of whom she feels are good lovers, couldn't dance and NONE of whom were big enough to please her. So she decides to pull her ad and live a quiet lonely life. Later that evening her doorbell rings, she opens the door and there sits a man in a wheel chair, she looks down to him and sees that he has no arms and no legs...she asks "yes, may I help you"?...the man replies, "yes ma'am, I am answering an ad posted in the paper and this is the address given. Are you the lovely lady I need to speak with"?...she says "yes, it was my ad ...but...you have no arms to hold me and hug me..." he says that is true however I can also not push you around either" she also says "but you have no legs to dance with me until the wee hours of the morning"...ah that to is also true however as you notice, I can't run away from you either". She thinks a little bit and says..."but LOVE, can you make passionate LOVE to me and most importantly are you well endowed as I am very difficult to please"?...he replies with "Well ma'am....I rang the doorbell didn't I"?

 

[CDA]

25 Technology Terms for Rednecks

1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain’t in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it’s cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it’s blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut’s in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix’s wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer “C’mon in y’all”
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain’t ‘member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.