The Official Jokes Thread

Splinters
A woman from Los Angeles who was a committed tree hugger, a flaming liberal Democrat, and an avid anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter, and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but under the Obama-Care guidelines, they turned you down!"

 
Subway is like prostitution. You pay a stranger to do your wifes job
reminds me of what our Rafting guide said last week. When they were serving us lunch he started out by saying "Ladies first, now ladies when you get in line,, make your man a sand which then get back in line" I lost it :lol:
 
A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign, Apples $5 each. Intrigued to find out why an apple should cost that much, he stops & asks the farmer. The farmer says, These are special peanut butter & jelly apples. Here, try one. The man takes a bite & says, Unbelievable; I taste the peanut butter but not the jelly. The farmer says, Turn it around. He does & he savors a sweet jelly. The farmer says, I've got ham & cheese apples, too, but they're $10 each. The man buys one, takes a bite & says, Wow, these are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese. The farmer says, Turn it around. He does, takes a bite & a rich, cheese taste fills his mouth. The farmer says Now if you really like those, I've got some very special apples that cost $50 each. They're p***y apples. The man cannot resist & buys one. He takes a bite & says, YUCK, these taste like shat! The farmer says, TURN IT AROUND!!!!
 
A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign, Apples $5 each. Intrigued to find out why an apple should cost that much, he stops & asks the farmer. The farmer says, These are special peanut butter & jelly apples. Here, try one. The man takes a bite & says, Unbelievable; I taste the peanut butter but not the jelly. The farmer says, Turn it around. He does & he savors a sweet jelly. The farmer says, I've got ham & cheese apples, too, but they're $10 each. The man buys one, takes a bite & says, Wow, these are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese. The farmer says, Turn it around. He does, takes a bite & a rich, cheese taste fills his mouth. The farmer says Now if you really like those, I've got some very special apples that cost $50 each. They're p***y apples. The man cannot resist & buys one. He takes a bite & says, YUCK, these taste like shat! The farmer says, TURN IT AROUND!!!!
:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
 
A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign, Apples $5 each. Intrigued to find out why an apple should cost that much, he stops & asks the farmer. The farmer says, These are special peanut butter & jelly apples. Here, try one. The man takes a bite & says, Unbelievable; I taste the peanut butter but not the jelly. The farmer says, Turn it around. He does & he savors a sweet jelly. The farmer says, I've got ham & cheese apples, too, but they're $10 each. The man buys one, takes a bite & says, Wow, these are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese. The farmer says, Turn it around. He does, takes a bite & a rich, cheese taste fills his mouth. The farmer says Now if you really like those, I've got some very special apples that cost $50 each. They're p***y apples. The man cannot resist & buys one. He takes a bite & says, YUCK, these taste like shat! The farmer says, TURN IT AROUND!!!!
:mmph: I give up
 
I'm pretty sure that he does have a 14 year old daughter, but I'm guessing that he'd actually be honored to have YD & his daughter.......:smirk:
No I was talking about him not getting the joke I put in, not that he has a 14 daughter.
 
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