The Official Jokes Thread
- Thread starter James
- Start date
WTF was that??????
NOTE: I checked with SNOPES and this really does work.
With all the fear of radiation fallout from Japan I thought it might be useful to tell you about a cheap, effective, homemade radiation tester you can easily assemble and rely upon.
Just follow these simple instructions:
OPEN A BAG OF ORVILLE REDENBACHER MICROWAVE POPCORN LEAVE IT ON YOUR KITCHEN COUNTER IF IT STARTS POPPING, YOU’RE FUCKED
.................was... 
James
Staff member
At St. Peter's Ukrainian Catholic Church in Edmonton , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Frank, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Frank replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've always tried to treat her nice, spent lots of money on her, but best of all, I took her to the Ukraine for our 25th wedding anniversary!". The priest amazed responded, "Frank, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands gathered here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"
Frank proudly replied.......
"I gonna go pick her up.".
Frank proudly replied.......
"I gonna go pick her up.".
James
Staff member
Wal-Mart Cake
Make sure that you read the story underneath the picture.
This cake is for someone who's moving.
Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:
Walmart Employee: 'Hello 'dis be Wal-marts, how can I helps you?'
Customer: 'I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'
Walmart Employee: Whachu be wantin on da cake?'
Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.
STOP LAUGHING!
You can't fix stupid.
Make sure that you read the story underneath the picture.
This cake is for someone who's moving.
Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:
Walmart Employee: 'Hello 'dis be Wal-marts, how can I helps you?'
Customer: 'I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'
Walmart Employee: Whachu be wantin on da cake?'
Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.
STOP LAUGHING!
You can't fix stupid.
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No,'"she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,'"she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.
"I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'"
NOW YOU Know what's wrong with the AUTO INDUSTRY, EDUCATION AND GOV'T UNIONS and the seniority system in the House and Senate.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No,'"she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,'"she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.
"I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'"
NOW YOU Know what's wrong with the AUTO INDUSTRY, EDUCATION AND GOV'T UNIONS and the seniority system in the House and Senate.
Classic.
Make sure that you read the story underneath the picture.
This cake is for someone who's moving.
View attachment 2313
Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:
Walmart Employee: 'Hello 'dis be Wal-marts, how can I helps you?'
Customer: 'I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'
Walmart Employee: Whachu be wantin on da cake?'
Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.
STOP LAUGHING!
You can't fix stupid.
This lady I know went in for cosmetic surgery because she had some very large lips down there if you know what I mean. She was embarrassed and did not want anyone to know what was going on and the doctor reassured her no one would know anything of the procedure. After the surgery she awakened only to see her room filled with flowers and thank you cards everywhere. The doctor came in and told her everything went as planned and all was well but she was a bit upset with him and asked him to explain all the cards and flowers. He said all that was from just one man on the floor below in the burn ward and he was thanking you for his new ears. 