The Official Jokes Thread

1. When I was born, I was given a choice: A big dick or a good memory...
I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying: 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying: 'Don't take your troubles to bed'.
Many men still sleep with their wives!!
 
Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of Obama. It will be named the “Union Worker”.





It doesn’t work and you can’t fire it.





 
I used to be like this then...
I met a girl.
She was like this...
Together, we were like this...
I gave her gifts like this...
When she accepted my proposal, I was like this...
I used to talk to her all night like this...
And at the office I used to do this...
When my friends saw my girlfriend, they stared like this...
And I used to react like this...
But on Valentine’s Day,
she received a red rose from someone else like this
...
And she was like this
And I was like this
Which later led to this...

I felt like doing this...
I started doing this...
GIRLS!!!!!!
 
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer
cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cold
beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered, "Indeed it would sister, but I would not
feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain it would cause a scene
at the checkout."

"I can handle that without a problem." said the first nun and she
picked up a six-pack and headed for the checkout.

"The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns
arrived with a six-pack of beer.. One of the nuns explained "We use
beer for washing our hair,a shampoo of sorts, if you will."



Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter,
pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag
with the beer. He looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and
said, "The curlers are on the house."
 
A guy goes into a bar, the look on his face makes the bartender ask "what's the matter fella" lose your dog? The guys says, well...I just learned my oldest son's gay. The bartender says "that's awful, here, this one's on me" guy takes a shot and leaves...couple days go by, the guy returns same look on his face..bartender asks, "hey weren't you in here the other day and told me your oldest son was gay?" Uh...yea, I guess that was me..."now what's the problem?" the guys says, just learned my middle son's gay!...Bartender says, "what are the odds of that....man o man here, here's another drink, on the house maybe this'll cheer you up!"...guy leaves...........comes back the next day with an even worse look on his face...the bartender doesn't even wait for him to tell him anything he just asks straight out...."What the heck fella, doesn't ANYBODY in your family like pu$$y?" The guys says yea, my wife! :smirk:
 
Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of Obama. It will be named the “Union Worker”.





It doesn’t work and you can’t fire it.





I used to be like this then...
I met a girl.
She was like this...
Together, we were like this...
I gave her gifts like this...
When she accepted my proposal, I was like this...
I used to talk to her all night like this...
And at the office I used to do this...
When my friends saw my girlfriend, they stared like this...
And I used to react like this...
But on Valentine’s Day,
she received a red rose from someone else like this
...
And she was like this
And I was like this
Which later led to this...

I felt like doing this...
I started doing this...
GIRLS!!!!!!
Where did the pics go :noidea:

Oh well.
 
Shoplifter injured falling off curb......

Augusta, GA
Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buys
in Augusta, Georgia, told police he observed
a male customer, later identified as Tyrone
Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras
putting a laptop computer under his
jacket... When confronted the man became
irate, knocked down an employee, drew a
knife and ran for the door.

Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines
collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots"
program. Smith said the Marines stopped the
man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl.
Phillip Duggan, in the back, the injury did
not appear to be

severe.

After Police and an ambulance arrived at the
scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for
treatment. The subject was also transported
to the local hospital with two broken arms,
a broken ankle, a broken leg, several
missing teeth, possible broken ribs,
multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a
broken nose and a broken jaw...injuries he
sustained when he slipped and fell off of
the curb after stabbing the Marine.
 
Shoplifter injured falling off curb......

Augusta, GA
Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buys
in Augusta, Georgia, told police he observed
a male customer, later identified as Tyrone
Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras
putting a laptop computer under his
jacket... When confronted the man became
irate, knocked down an employee, drew a
knife and ran for the door.

Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines
collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots"
program. Smith said the Marines stopped the
man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl.
Phillip Duggan, in the back, the injury did
not appear to be

severe.

After Police and an ambulance arrived at the
scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for
treatment. The subject was also transported
to the local hospital with two broken arms,
a broken ankle, a broken leg, several
missing teeth, possible broken ribs,
multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a
broken nose and a broken jaw...injuries he
sustained when he slipped and fell off of
the curb after stabbing the Marine.
:thumb: :lol: :thumb:
 
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books
of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the
CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you
do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"


"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the
bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."


"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a
practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these
plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on
a patient?"


"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him
with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer,
and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."


"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover
foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"


"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the
little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they
send us a complete dick."
 
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books
of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the
CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you
do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"


"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the
bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."


"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a
practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these
plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on
a patient?"


"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him
with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer,
and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."


"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover
foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"


"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the
little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they
send us a complete dick."


:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

I gotta remember that 1!
 
Lipstick in School (priceless)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their
lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the
maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would
put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night
(you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the
mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.. . . and then there are educators.
 
Lipstick in School (priceless)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their
lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the
maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would
put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night
(you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the
mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.. . . and then there are educators.


LMAO!
:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
 
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