The Official Jokes Thread

Lipstick in School (priceless)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their
lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the
maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would
put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night
(you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the
mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.. . . and then there are educators.
BINGO........:lol::lol::lol:
 

James

Staff member
There was a knock on the door this morning.



I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:
"I'm a Jehovah's Witness."


I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the crap out of me, I've never gotten this far before."
 

James

Staff member
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.
Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop... Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K, buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays
 

James

Staff member
Cold is a relative thing

65°
Arizonans turn on the heat.
People in Minnesota plant gardens.

60°
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Minnesota sunbathe.

50°
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Minne sota drive with the windows down..

40°
Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.

35°
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.

20°
People in Miami all die.
Minnesotans close the windows.


Californians fly away to Mexico .
People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.

-10°
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.

-20°
Washington DC runs out of hot air. (Ya think? Nah.).
People in Minnesota let the dogs sleep indoors.

-30°
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.

-40°
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold enough for ya?"

-50°
Hell freezes over.
Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late.
 
Cold is a relative thing

65°
Arizonans turn on the heat.
People in Minnesota plant gardens.

60°
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Minnesota sunbathe.

50°
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Minne sota drive with the windows down..

40°
Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.

35°
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.

20°
People in Miami all die.
Minnesotans close the windows.


Californians fly away to Mexico .
People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.

-10°
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.

-20°
Washington DC runs out of hot air. (Ya think? Nah.).
People in Minnesota let the dogs sleep indoors.

-30°
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.

-40°
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold enough for ya?"

-50°
Hell freezes over.
Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late.

remind me to NEVER, I said NEVER...move to Minnesota!!! :smirk:
 
Don't forget....."DO NOT...I REPEAT...DO NOT UNDER NO CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES MOVE TO MINNESOTA" :prof:...There, I did my part....:smirk:
Ok, under NO certain circumstances will I move there. :smirk:




Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a b!tch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just
saying...
Sincerely,
Google

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF
happened?!
Sincerely,
1985

Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle

Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that Door for the both of us.
Sincerely,
Jack PS, you let go

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God

Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
Unimpressed

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely, Stevie Wonder

Dear Nickleback,
That's enough.
Sincerely, The World

Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely, United States

Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely, Parents Everywhere

Dear Anne Frank,
Two can play this game....
Sincerely, Waldo

Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Superman

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely, Al Gore

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely, Alcohol

Dear Mr. Gump
WTF are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells
you EXACTLY what you're gonna get....
Sincerely, Jenny

Dear Katy Perry,
I liked the kiss too.
Sincerely, Justin Beiber

Dear Haiti,
Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?
Sincerely,
Seriously Going To Hell

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream.... What
now?
Sincerely,
Leonardo Di Caprio

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some
Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear Snooki,
GET BACK TO WORK!
Sincerely,
Willy Wonka

Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of
shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here
first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper
 
I'd asked him about that but he didn't know what I was referring to, must be a Cali thing. :smirk:
Yeah, i seen where you ask him and didn't really put it together until I was reading it again. :thumb:
CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES = Even if you're bribed, or because your job moves there, or your wife says, hey honey let's move to F'n MinnEHsooootAHHH so we can be closer to mom! :shocked:
 

James

Staff member
CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES = Even if you're bribed, or because your job moves there, or your wife says, hey honey let's move to F'n MinnEHsooootAHHH so we can be closer to mom! :shocked:
:lol: Oh I understood what you'd meant, it's just that around here it would be "DO NOT...I REPEAT...DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES MOVE TO MINNESOTA". :smirk:

Oh and the only reason this is funny to me is because you're the grammar police. :P :hug:
 
:lol: Oh I understood what you'd meant, it's just that around here it would be "DO NOT...I REPEAT...DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES MOVE TO MINNESOTA". :smirk:

Oh and the only reason this is funny to me is because you're the grammar police. :P :hug:
HEY..I've heard it both ways and I'm sure there's even more than that................................As for the grammar police...I'm no expert in the field of grammar however when there are obvious misspellings and/or puccutations I can't help but NOTE IT...I've been pretty good lately especially with all the "I should of's" rather than "I should have"...:prof: As N'edge would say.....You're welcome...:moon:
 
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