The Official Jokes Thread

So Tarzan went in for a job interview. Boss asks for his full name and Tarzan says, Tarzan king of the jungle. Boss asks Tarzan if he has children and Tarzan says yes, his name is Boy. Boss asks if Tarzan is married and Tarzan says yes, wife's name Jane. Boss asks Tarzan what is Jane's whole name and Tarzan looks confused and replies, Jane's whole name pussy. :P
 

James

Staff member
This lady I know went in for cosmetic surgery because she had some very large lips down there....he was thanking you for his new ears. :smirk:
:thinking: Would that mean he's head deep in p***y?


:picard: I can't believe I just said that, :prof: Move along, nothing to see here.
 
Q:What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts cost a buck twenty-five. Deer nuts are just under a buck!
 
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack Obama meets a man with a beard.


'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.

'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points
to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs
the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes
into a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'Why no he answers, I am Moses;
Mohammed is higher still.'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again,
he discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking
man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?

'No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up.'

Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his
delight and climbs and climbs ever higher.

Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly
magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again
repeats his question: 'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is, by now,
totally out of breath from all his climbing.

'No, my son... I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but, you
look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?'

'Yes! Please!'

As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: 'Hey
Mohammed-- two coffees!'
 
Who's guilty?
A wife dreaming shouts, "Quick my husband's back!" The man gets out of bed jumps out the window then realizes, "Damn it, I AM the husband!"
 
Irish COMPASSION


A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. The poor man had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales, and Ireland were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked laddie?'

The man broke into a big smile, blushed and said, ‘no’.

She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.' :prof:
 

James

Staff member
Be honest and don't look at the movie list below till you have
done the math! --Ok, just humor me and do it!

Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This
amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 movies you would
enjoy the most. it really works!

> Movie Test:
>
> Pick a number from 1-9.
>
> Multiply by 3.
>
> Add 3.
>
> Multiply by 3 again.
>
> Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your
> predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.
>
> .
>
> .
>
>
>
> .
>
>
>
> .
>
>
>
> .
>
>
>
> .
>
>
>
> .
>
>
>
> .
>
>
>
>
> Movie List:
>
> 1. Gone With The Wind
>
> 2. E.T.
>
> 3. Blazing Saddles
>
> 4. Star Wars
>
> 5. Forrest Gump
>
> 6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
>
> 7. Jaws
>
> 8. Grease
>
> 9. The Obama farewell speech of 2012
>
> 10. Casablanca
>
> 11. Jurassic Park
>
> 12. Shrek
>
> 13. Pirates of the Caribbean
>
> 14. Titanic
>
> 15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
>
> 16. Home Alone
>
> 17. Mrs. Doubtfire
>
> 18. Toy Story
>
> Now, aint that something!
 

James

Staff member
Wife from Hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,'I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.
The driver says,
'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'
The wife smiles demurely and says,
'Well dear you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says,
'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says,
'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,
'WILLYOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
(I love this part)










'Only when he's been drinking!!'
 
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