The Official Jokes Thread

James

Staff member
The value of an engineer

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem it was having with one of its multi-million dollar machines. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded with the following: "Chalk: $1. Knowing where to put it: $49,999."
 
The banker saw his old friend Bob, an eighty-year old salesman, in town.

Bob had lost his wife some years before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Bob if the rumor was true.

Bob assured him that it was. The banker then asked Bob the age of his new bride to be.

Bob proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Bob should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course Bob thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon. About four months later, the banker ran into Bob in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker. Bob proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.' The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?' Without hesitating, Bob said, 'She's pregnant too.' Don't ever underestimate old guys.
 
The banker saw his old friend Bob, an eighty-year old salesman, in town.

Bob had lost his wife some years before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Bob if the rumor was true.

Bob assured him that it was. The banker then asked Bob the age of his new bride to be.

Bob proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Bob should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course Bob thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon. About four months later, the banker ran into Bob in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker. Bob proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.' The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?' Without hesitating, Bob said, 'She's pregnant too.' Don't ever underestimate old guys.
:lol: Old guys rock.
 
Earthly English and importance of spacing !!.

A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.

She sent him a 'Thank you note on email'.

Boss' wife read the mail and filed a divorce in court

The mails says: 'Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and firm strokes. Initially its tip was to be licked to bring to working order & it is equally good on both sides. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. I've always desired for it and you fulfilled my wish. At last it is mine and mine for ever. Thanks a lot"

Moral: space is an essential part in English. And so is personal spell-check for typing errors.
 
Earthly English and importance of spacing !!.

A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.

She sent him a 'Thank you note on email'.

Boss' wife read the mail and filed a divorce in court

The mails says: 'Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and firm strokes. Initially its tip was to be licked to bring to working order & it is equally good on both sides. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. I've always desired for it and you fulfilled my wish. At last it is mine and mine for ever. Thanks a lot"

Moral: space is an essential part in English. And so is personal spell-check for typing errors.
Not according to Palmer. :poke:
 
Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the

reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year.

I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for

Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

* *

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all

fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the

time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to

get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you

something you can go outside and play with.*

Merry Christmas,*

Santa Claus***

* *

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract,

set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to

granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this

joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at

my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit

trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

* *

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria,

need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it

a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,

well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been

on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be

more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I

alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social

skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the

bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

* *

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was

attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends

into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys

and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console,

my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

* *

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on

one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees

you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar,

genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your

shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people

that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll

all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you

asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in

you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

* *

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

* *

Timmy,

That's what I thought you little bastard.

Santa
 
A boy asks his gran, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Gran replies, 'stuff the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen!!'

:lol:
 
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again.....back and forth.....back and forth.....in and out.....in and out.
She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back, she was near to the end.
Her heart was pounding......her face was flushed....then she moaned, softly at first, the began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, " okay, okay! I can't park the f***king car! You do it, you SMUG b***ard!"
 
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is in heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was
in heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you
can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
 
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