The Official Jokes Thread

his is the story of a blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.

And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.

'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I am a Democrat."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio....
"Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . .."
 
Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?

A: A Northern fairy tale starts with "Once upon a time...". A Southern fairy tale starts with "Now, y'all ain't gonna believe this $#!+, but..."
 
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband..

for example...
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”
 
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch.


It doesn't have any feet or legs.


The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'


The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'


'Holy crap,' the guy replies.


'You actually understood and answered me. !'


'I got every word,' says the parrot.


'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.


'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.


You can't see it, because of my feathers.'


'Wow,' says the guy.


'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy.


I'm especially good at ornithology.


You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'


The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.


'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants
me, cause I don't have any feet.


You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.


The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he
understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.


The guy is delighted.


One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,'
and motions him over with one wing.


'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife,
and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the
door, in a sheer black nightie.'


'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.


'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and
began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'


'Yes.


Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began
to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'
 
Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

'Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go Dave.'

But invariably another voice in his
Head would bring him back to reality whispering:




Dave........ ......... ..........


Dave........ ......





......




YOU'RE A VETERINARIAN, YOU SICK BASTARD !!
 
Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

'Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go Dave.'

But invariably another voice in his
Head would bring him back to reality whispering:




Dave........ ......... ..........


Dave........ ......





......




YOU'RE A VETERINARIAN, YOU SICK BASTARD !!
AND they keep coming...... and coming...... and coming...... what else ya got?
 
AND they keep coming...... and coming...... and coming...... what else ya got?
here is one for you! :smirk:

My wife thinks that I sneak out of a night to smoke weed and get stoned, because my eyes are always blood shot.

I nod and agree with her... Its better then saying most girls carry pepper spray these days.
 
My mate said, "If two burglers broke into your house armed, would you try and knock one out?"

I said, "Of course, it might be the last chance I get to have a wank ever."
 
I was telling a guy at work how useless I am with the ladies, and how I had to stand on a chair to kiss last night's date goodnight.

He said, "Wow! She was that tall?"

I said, "No, she hanged herself."
 
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
 
The IRS sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!!! I guess it was because of my response to the line: "List all dependents". I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; "3 million crack heads; "42 million unemployable people on food stamps; "2 million people in over 243 prisons and "535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate".

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer
 
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