The Official Jokes Thread

Wife to husband: My gynecologist says I can't have sex for two weeks!

Husband to wife: What did your dentist say?
 
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
 

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Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance, with a face like that!'



A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.

A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?'

The boy says 'Me dog died this morning.'

'Oh no,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?'

The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on mi mind at the moment.'



Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!



Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.



I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself...'I’m going to take that.'



Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I?

The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. ‘You’re in that basket.
 
An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads
into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a
sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment the old
golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled
golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires
with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering,
young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am."

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly,
"Well, wash your hands real f u c k ing good because I want a
cheeseburger."
 
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the
door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For
this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain
people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a
twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have
calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will
give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play,
marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and
enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to
support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to
entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on
the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing
it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the
front porch.
 
Last night My girlfriend and I were sitting in the family room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my beer

And thats about when the fight started..............
 
BREAKING NEWS. Raiders football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach, Jackson, immediately suspended practice and called the police and federal investigators. After a complete analysis, FBI experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the GOAL LINE. Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again this season.
 
I would like to share an experience with you to do with drinking and driving.

As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home in recent months.

Well I for one have done something about it. The other night I was out for a dinner and a few drinks with some friends.

Well, after having far too much vino, and knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I’ve never done before. I took a bus home!!

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.
 
We are in trouble....
The
population of this country is 300 million.

160
million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the
work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal
government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied
with killing TERRORISTS !!

Which leaves 17.2
million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8
million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that
leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given
time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people
in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the
work.


You and me.


And there
you are,


Sitting on your ass,


At your computer, reading jokes..


Nice. Real nice.
 
during training excercises, an army captain was driving his jeep along a muddy road and came up on a full bird colonel who's jeep was buried in the mud up to the floor pan. the captain stopped, saluted and then asked " are you stuck badly in the mud sir?" the colonel replied "no, but you are".
 
OK, all you Math majors who like 'numbers' games . . . try this. Find Your Favorite Movie Using Formula.



Be honest and don't look at the movie list below until you have done the math! This math quiz can predict which of 18 movies you would enjoy the most!



Test:

1 Pick a number from 1-9.
2 Multiply by 3.
3 Add 3.
4 Multiply by 3 again.
5 Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.




Movie List:

1 Gone With The Wind
2 E.T.
3 Blazing Saddles
4 Star Wars
5 Forrest Gump
6 The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7 Jaws
8 Grease
9 The Obama Farewell Speech of 2012
10 Casablanca
11 Jurassic Park
12 Shrek
13 Pirates of the Caribbean
14 Titanic
15 Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16 Home Alone
17 Mrs. Doubtfire
18Toy Story


Now, isn't that something?
 
An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said...














"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel.

You already know how to fish!"
 
Dinner Date

A while back, when I was younger, I picked up my date at her parents' house.
I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu; shrimp cocktail, lobster and champagne.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

No"she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

I said "Would you care for dessert?"
 
T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T
A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him
with a bright, 'T-G-I-F.'

He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.'

She looked puzzled and repeated, 'T-G-I-F,' more slowly.

He again answered, 'S-H-I-T.'

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest
smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, 'T-G-I-F.'

The man smiled back to her and once again, 'S-H-I-T.'

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means
'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?'

The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'
 
Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house

and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the

same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' She was a little taken aback,

but she decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse.’

‘Oh,’ Little Tony said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't

called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'
 
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