The Official Jokes Thread

A ship's Captain inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.” "So,” he continued, "Leo you change with Jerry, Tony you change with Bert and Bob you change with Ed."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Someone may come along and promise "Change," but don't count on things smelling any better!
 
One Hole Behind

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost; can you please tell me what hole I'm on."

She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."

Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales," she said.

He replied, "No kidding; so am I."

"What do you sell?" She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.

She said, "I sell sanitary napkins."

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied (still with tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one Hole behind you."
 
The Indian Chief from the local tribe came into town one day wanting to learn how to speak English better, he approached the 1st person he came to and asked in his broken language... the man pointed towards the school house where he would find the teacher. The Chief thanked him and walked to the school house, as he entered al the children were getting ready to leave and the school marm walked up to him and asked what he wanted, he told he and she said OK, well, once the children leave for the day I will take you out on a nature walk. The Chief agreed. it was only a couple minutes when the teacher released the kids then she went out and met up with the Chief, they walked down to the river bank where the marm pointed to the river and told the Chief "WATER"... the Chief repeats Mmmm WATER, very good she said they walked a little further when she walks up to a large plant, points and says "BUSH", the Chief responds again with Mmmm BUSH... as they walk around the bush a man and woman lay naked on a blanket having sex... Chiefs yells to the marm WHAT YOU CALL THAT.... the teacher scared to death and at a loss of thought says uhhhh BIKE, MAN RIDE BIKE... the Chief says once again MMMMMmm but grabs an arrow from his quiver and draws it back in his bow... Oh my lord says the teacher WHAT ARE YOU DOING CHIEF??? the Chief says man ride MY bike...
 
The great white humter who had hunted all around the world had never hunted the Amercian Bison (AKA: Buffalo) and knowing that after the recent killing of buffalo for the hides would make them pretty scarse so he put an ad out for a well experienced guide. A local indian nicknamed Tatonka (Buffalo in Souix) named for his excellent hunting skills replied to his ad and the 2 agreed to meet. They met up on the trail where they got to know each other and trusted each other and rode off together with tatonka out front. Sometimes he would ride far ahead and the hunter wouldn't see him for long periods of time. This one long period the hunter was riding alone and noticed a horse standing without a rider. He drew his gun and rode up to it carefully. As he got nearer he noticed a body lying on the ground with his head turned lying flat in the dirt, it was Tatonka... he called for him Tatonka are you alright?... Tatonka got to his knees looked at the hunter and said Mmmm Buffalo come... the hunter says but Tatonka, how do you know buffalo come there's nothing around here... Tatonka puts his fingers to his ear and says ME KNOW....... ear sticky!
 
The Indian Chief from the local tribe came into town one day wanting to learn how to speak English better, he approached the 1st person he came to and asked in his broken language... the man pointed towards the school house where he would find the teacher. The Chief thanked him and walked to the school house, as he entered al the children were getting ready to leave and the school marm walked up to him and asked what he wanted, he told he and she said OK, well, once the children leave for the day I will take you out on a nature walk. The Chief agreed. it was only a couple minutes when the teacher released the kids then she went out and met up with the Chief, they walked down to the river bank where the marm pointed to the river and told the Chief "WATER"... the Chief repeats Mmmm WATER, very good she said they walked a little further when she walks up to a large plant, points and says "BUSH", the Chief responds again with Mmmm BUSH... as they walk around the bush a man and woman lay naked on a blanket having sex... Chiefs yells to the marm WHAT YOU CALL THAT.... the teacher scared to death and at a loss of thought says uhhhh BIKE, MAN RIDE BIKE... the Chief says once again MMMMMmm but grabs an arrow from his quiver and draws it back in his bow... Oh my lord says the teacher WHAT ARE YOU DOING CHIEF??? the Chief says man ride MY bike...
The great white humter who had hunted all around the world had never hunted the Amercian Bison (AKA: Buffalo) and knowing that after the recent killing of buffalo for the hides would make them pretty scarse so he put an ad out for a well experienced guide. A local indian nicknamed Tatonka (Buffalo in Souix) named for his excellent hunting skills replied to his ad and the 2 agreed to meet. They met up on the trail where they got to know each other and trusted each other and rode off together with tatonka out front. Sometimes he would ride far ahead and the hunter wouldn't see him for long periods of time. This one long period the hunter was riding alone and noticed a horse standing without a rider. He drew his gun and rode up to it carefully. As he got nearer he noticed a body lying on the ground with his head turned lying flat in the dirt, it was Tatonka... he called for him Tatonka are you alright?... Tatonka got to his knees looked at the hunter and said Mmmm Buffalo come... the hunter says but Tatonka, how do you know buffalo come there's nothing around here... Tatonka puts his fingers to his ear and says ME KNOW....... ear sticky!
Can i ask James for an unlike or delete button. Those both sucky hard.
 
Subject: Financial Planning


Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Attached is a picture of the stepmother.




 
First Time Sex



A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday

night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces

to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like

to go out and make love for the first time

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to

get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his

first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an

hour.? He tells the boy everything there is to know about

condoms and sex.? At the register, the pharmacist asks

the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or

family pack.? The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so

excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner

table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy

quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in

prayer, with his head down.? 10 minutes pass, and still

no movement from the boy.? Finally, after 20 minutes

with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea

your father was a pharmacist."
 
Dating in 1960


It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.




He arrived at her house and rang the bell.




'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she


welcomed Fred in.



'Have a seat in the living room.


Would you like something to drink?


Lemonade? Iced tea?'



'Iced tea, please,' Fred said.

Mom brought the iced tea.



'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?'


she asked.



'Oh, probably catch a movie,


and then maybe grab a bite to eat at


the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'



'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.



'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose.



'Oh yes,' the mother continued,


'When she goes out with her friends,


that's all they do!'




'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.


'Yes,' said the mother.


'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'



'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began


thinking about alternate plans for the evening.



A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs


looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and

a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back


in a bouncy ponytail.


She greeted Fred.



'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.



Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue


burst into the house and slammed the


front door behind her.



'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to


her mother in the kitchen.


'The freakin' dance is called the Twist!'
 
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to think of this and smile.

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to
tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

' Do you know how they make these gloves? ' he asked.

' No, I don't, ' she replied.

' Well,' he spoofed, ' there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and
workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.

' What's so funny? ' he asked.

' I was just envisioning how condoms are made! '
 
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
 
Guess who visits the welfare office.......



A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed
by 15 kids.

'WOW!' the social worker exclaims. 'Are they all yours?''


'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard
that
question a thousand times before.


She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up.
I'll
need all your children's names.'

'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Leroy' and the
girls are
all named 'Leighroy'.'

In disbelief, the case worker. 'Are you serious? They're ALL named
Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time
to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An
when it's
time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they all comes a running.
An' if I
need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just
yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever
had, naming' them all Leroy.'


The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid
to come,
and not the whole bunch?'

"Then I call them by their last names."
 
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell
their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and
pennies saved etc. etc.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only
Ernie was left.

"Ernie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was
a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out
over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol,
and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the
bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the
middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until
she ran out of bullets, kille d four more with the knife, till the blade
broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral

did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the f--- away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.
 
Top