The Official Jokes Thread

never question a drunk person!!

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
>
> A half-gallon of 2% milk
> A carton of eggs
> A quart of orange juice
> A head of lettuce
> A 2 lb. can of coffee
> A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind
me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing
up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since
I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
 
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl.


'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.


THE END
 
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell
their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and
pennies saved etc. etc.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only
Ernie was left.

"Ernie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was
a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out
over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol,
and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the
bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the
middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until
she ran out of bullets, kille d four more with the knife, till the blade
broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral

did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the f--- away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.
I like it because it's old and still good. I heard it when I was about 15. That was XX years ago.
 
never question a drunk person!!

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
>
> A half-gallon of 2% milk
> A carton of eggs
> A quart of orange juice
> A head of lettuce
> A 2 lb. can of coffee
> A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind
me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing
up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since
I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
:lol:
 
A bunch of blokes are in the changing room of a golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.


BLOKE: "Hello"


WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"


BLOKE: "Yes"


WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre

and found this beautiful leather coat.


It's only £1, 000. Is it OK if I buy it?"


BLOKE: "Sure, .. go ahead if you like it that much."



WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."


BLOKE: "How much?"


WOMAN: "£70, 000"


BLOKE: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."


WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950, 000"


BLOKE: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900, 000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."


WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"


BLOKE: "Bye! I love you, too." The bloke hangs up.



The other blokes in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....


He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
History of the condom...

This part of history may have escaped you.

I've always been a student of history but didn't know this.

In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a
goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by first taking the
intestine out of the goat.

No need to thank me, I do this as a public service for the
advancement of education
 
I have an older one than that rack:

In days of old when knights were bold and rubbers weren't invented,
They use a sock around the cock, thus babies were prevented.

Now, you can thank me by sending me that christmas tree in person.
 
I have an older one than that rack:

In days of old when knights were bold and rubbers weren't invented,
They use a sock around the cock, thus babies were prevented.

Now, you can thank me by sending me that christmas tree in person.
:thinking:
 
I have an older one than that rack:

In days of old when knights were bold and rubbers weren't invented,
They use a sock around the cock, thus babies were prevented.

Now, you can thank me by sending me that christmas tree in person.

Timo....:prof:I need to borrow a sock please.
 
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