The Official Jokes Thread

Has nobody posted THIS story yet?

"Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.

Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!.” By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.

Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.”

And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just as we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is.

I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob."
 
A grandfather, his son and his 18 year old grandson were out at the links playing a round of golf when a beautiful woman with jet black hair and a perfectly proportioned body asked if she could join their threesome... they all said sure, no problem.... would love to have her join.

The woman not only played well but played better then the men.... they got to the 18th tee, 350 yds, the teen tees off and gets about 3/4 of the way down the fairway, Pops teed off, got about half the fairway, dad tees off almost makes it to the green, the beauty tees off and lands the green in one shot... they all look at her in amazment... she smiles and winks... the men all get up onto the green in their next shot... the women sees her ball but is roughly 50 ft from the cup... the green has a few slopes and rises to it, not that easy of a shot so she says to the guys... "the one that gives me the best suggestion on how to make this shot I will give him the BEST BJ he has ever had..."

* The teen says hit it hard, screw the slopes...

* The dad says, nahh, you've got to play the terrain, roll with the sloeps and rises...

* The grandfather says... YOU BOYs haven't learned a damn thing have you...???? he walks up to her ball, picks it up hands it to her and says... THAT'S a gimme...


True story!!!!!
 
A little girl wants to take her dog on a walk and asks her mom. Mom said the dog is in heat and it wouldn't be a good idea. The little girl persists and wants to know what the heat thing means. Mom says go ask your dad, he is in the garage working on his bikes. The little girl than asks her dad, mom said to come ask you if I can take the dog on a walk, she said I cant because the dog is in heat. Dad thinks for a minute and wipes a gas covered rag on the dogs ass and tells his little girl its ok now. 10 minutes later the little girl shows up without the dog. Dad said where is the dog? The little girl said it ran out of gas 1/2 way around the block and there is another dog helping by pushing her home.
 
The surgeon General became aware of the publics unwillingness to practice safe sex.....after long and costly studies they came to the conclusion that the general public, mostly because of the poor economy and higher living expenses, were cutting costs any way they could. This included not spending money on prophylactics, also as a result of the studies, was a possible solution, where people could enjoy safe sex with an economical mindset......they advised the public of this solution via a public service announcement. " we have discovered a safe and practical way to re use your rubbers, after use, turn them inside out and shake the fuck outa it"
 
The surgeon General became aware of the publics unwillingness to practice safe sex.....after long and costly studies they came to the conclusion that the general public, mostly because of the poor economy and higher living expenses, were cutting costs any way they could. This included not spending money on prophylactics, also as a result of the studies, was a possible solution, where people could enjoy safe sex with an economical mindset......they advised the public of this solution via a public service announcement. " we have discovered a safe and practical way to re use your rubbers, after use, turn them inside out and shake the fuck outa it"

:shocked:
 

James

Staff member
President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check.

As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of America !!!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"

Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check"

Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what I can do: One day Tiger Woods came into this bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful putt across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States ?"

Obama stood there thinking and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing"

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. president?"
 
As a woman passed her adult daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, living at home, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, living at home, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the #@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'
 

James

Staff member
A husband and wife are shopping in their local HEB. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They carry on with their shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

That's him on Aisle 5.

 
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