The Official Jokes Thread

So I was talking to my Grandpa, and asked him what he thought of government regulation. He replied, "We've been trying to regulate those bastards for two hundred and fifty years! I say we start hanging them!"

:smirk:
 

James

Staff member
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, “I’d calm down if I were you.”

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!”

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, “You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad.”

“Rubbish,” replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about a hundred yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

“What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien. “He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?”

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, “If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.”
 
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, “I’d calm down if I were you.”

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!”

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, “You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad.”

“Rubbish,” replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about a hundred yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

“What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien. “He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?”

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, “If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.”
True dat .. :prof:
 
"I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes and anecdotes, that Louisiana Cajuns ain't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody who would build a city five feet below sea level, in a hurricane zone, and fill it with Democrats who can't swim is a darn genius!"
~Larry The Cable Guy
 

James

Staff member
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
 
This might already be on here but I'm posting again... if you've read it before just ignore it....

A bored, lonesome single woman was browsing thru the classifieds one Saturday afternoon and sees an ad for a toad that reads "one kiss and your dreams will come true... only $25." She hesitates, goes on then goes back to the ad and out of curiosity calls the number. A mans voice comes on the other end...she sheepishly asks Are you the person with the toad for sale"? Yes I am he says, this looks too good to be true or is it all crap like most ads"? the man says OH, it's true I've had severasl toads like him in the past. Well then the woman says, "it doesn't look too expensive only $25... are YOU sure this isn't a gimmick?" He says I am positive... She agrees to come look at it and pays a visit. She picks it up, looks it over says to the guy, looks like a normal toad... so what does he do that'll make my dreams come true. Well he says, he'll turn into a handsome prince as all young women dream of marrying and you will live happily ever after. She says OK, what do I need to do? He says, this toad isn't like most of the others, this one must perform oral sex rather than giving a regular kiss to turn into a prince. She says Ooooo that sounds interesting, pays him the money and leaves... that evening she undresses, takes a nice warm bath and goes into the bedroom and sits on the edge of the bed. She looks down at the toad and wonders... she picks it up and places it on the bed, she lies down, spreads her legs and places the toad near her privates... she watches but the toad does nothing... she tries coaxing it a little but still nothing.. she gets frustrated and calls the man. He agrees to come to her house to see what the matter is. she explains herself, he says OK, now show me exactly what you did...she disrobes, lies down, spreads her legs, places the toad down by her privates and again, nothing happens. He says OK, OK... I know what it is... he's a little shy and may have forgotten how, he picks up the toad says "NOW, I'm going to show you ONE MORE TIME how to do it and that's all"!
 
This might already be on here but I'm posting again... if you've read it before just ignore it....

A bored, lonesome single woman was browsing thru the classifieds one Saturday afternoon and sees an ad for a toad that reads "one kiss and your dreams will come true... only $25." She hesitates, goes on then goes back to the ad and out of curiosity calls the number. A mans voice comes on the other end...she sheepishly asks Are you the person with the toad for sale"? Yes I am he says, this looks too good to be true or is it all crap like most ads"? the man says OH, it's true I've had severasl toads like him in the past. Well then the woman says, "it doesn't look too expensive only $25... are YOU sure this isn't a gimmick?" He says I am positive... She agrees to come look at it and pays a visit. She picks it up, looks it over says to the guy, looks like a normal toad... so what does he do that'll make my dreams come true. Well he says, he'll turn into a handsome prince as all young women dream of marrying and you will live happily ever after. She says OK, what do I need to do? He says, this toad isn't like most of the others, this one must perform oral sex rather than giving a regular kiss to turn into a prince. She says Ooooo that sounds interesting, pays him the money and leaves... that evening she undresses, takes a nice warm bath and goes into the bedroom and sits on the edge of the bed. She looks down at the toad and wonders... she picks it up and places it on the bed, she lies down, spreads her legs and places the toad near her privates... she watches but the toad does nothing... she tries coaxing it a little but still nothing.. she gets frustrated and calls the man. He agrees to come to her house to see what the matter is. she explains herself, he says OK, now show me exactly what you did...she disrobes, lies down, spreads her legs, places the toad down by her privates and again, nothing happens. He says OK, OK... I know what it is... he's a little shy and may have forgotten how, he picks up the toad says "NOW, I'm going to show you ONE MORE TIME how to do it and that's all"!
:lol: Is this from experience?
 

James

Staff member
I was visiting with my son last week when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st Century", he said. "I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad" I can tell you this for sure; that damn fly never knew what hit him!
 

James

Staff member
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that goodlooking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'



'She just died and left me everything.'
 
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