The Official Jokes Thread

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking "No" for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ... "Okay Mam," said a voice, "All done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."




:lol::lol::lol::lol:
:lol::cry::lol::cry::lol::cry: roost when i can
 
Subject: BLONDES GET EVEN

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of
Running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked,
"What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gasup!"

FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!
 
He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking "No" for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ... "Okay Mam," said a voice, "All done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."




:lol::lol::lol::lol:
OK, now this was really weird...funny, but weird...knowing that (or maybe I don't) you're a guy but the joke is about a girl...:shocked:...or not! ...firm, full breasts.....:thinking:
 
A blonde woman goes to the supermarket. She starts walking up and down the aisles. Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her breasts, and her crotch.

After doing this a for a number of aisles a store clerk approaches her and ask if she is having a problem. She shakes her head and says, "No."

Perplexed he asks why she stops at each aisle and touches her head, ears, breasts, and crotch.
"Oh," says the blonde, "I'm just trying to remember my grocery list."
Puzzled, he asks for an explanation, so she goes thru the motions again.

She touches her head and says, "Head of lettuce."
Then, ears. "Two ears of corn."
Followed by breasts. "Two chicken breasts."
Lastly, crotch. "Fantastic."
 
A blonde woman goes to the supermarket. She starts walking up and down the aisles. Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her breasts, and her crotch.

After doing this a for a number of aisles a store clerk approaches her and ask if she is having a problem. She shakes her head and says, "No."

Perplexed he asks why she stops at each aisle and touches her head, ears, breasts, and crotch.
"Oh," says the blonde, "I'm just trying to remember my grocery list."
Puzzled, he asks for an explanation, so she goes thru the motions again.

She touches her head and says, "Head of lettuce."
Then, ears. "Two ears of corn."
Followed by breasts. "Two chicken breasts."
Lastly, crotch. "Fantastic."
:lol::lol::lol:
 
Every once in a while you receive a cute e-mail that warms your heart and
you just can't wait to pass it along.




A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It is opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one
hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under
his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"
Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"
 
I just got off the phone with a friend in Manitoba (:devil:) .
He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist
high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and
the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look
through the kitchen window. He says that if it gets much worse,
he may have to let her in.
 
I just got off the phone with a friend in Manitoba (:devil:) .
He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist
high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and
the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look
through the kitchen window. He says that if it gets much worse,
he may have to let her in.
badum bum...tshhhhhhh :lol:
 
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road..

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
 
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road..

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
Roost..............:lol:...:thumb:
 
"what crawled up your ass and died" is usally used when someones mad (or at least in my family/friends)

but i think it should be used when someones happy, i mean if something crawled up your ass wouldent you be happy if it finally died?

like "hey you know that thing that crawled up my ass?"

"yeah"

"well it finally died :)"
 
"what crawled up your ass and died" is usally used when someones mad (or at least in my family/friends)

but i think it should be used when someones happy, i mean if something crawled up your ass wouldent you be happy if it finally died?

like "hey you know that thing that crawled up my ass?"

"yeah"

"well it finally died :)"
I'm familiar with that phrase when someone lets go of a real stinky fart...:prof:.....:shocked:....:sorry:
 
WHAT IS A BRAZILIAN?

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible! So many men dying like that."

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"
 
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