The Official Jokes Thread

[James]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'


'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like.....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[James]

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard..
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

 

[James]

Catholic School

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

 

[rezrider]

DID YOU KNOW THAT........

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals,
> but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male
> animal is punishable by death.
> (Like THAT makes sense.)
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals,
> but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the
> examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
> (Do they look different reversed?)
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
> applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered
> with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
> (A brick?)
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
> (Much worse than 'going blind!')
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
> and deflower young virgins,who pay them for the privilege of having
> sex for the first time
> Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
> (Let's just think for a minute; is thereany job any where else in the
> world that even comes close to this?)
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
> adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
> The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any
> manner desired.
> (Ah! Justice!)
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in
> tropical fish stores.
> (But of course!)
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and
> the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness
> the act.
> (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
> In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
> woman and her daughter at the same time.
> (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines
> with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending
> machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for
> consumption on the premises.'
> (Is this a great country or what?
> Well,.... not as great as Guam !)
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
> (Who volunteers for these tests?)
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
> weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
> (From drinking little bottles of ???)
> (Did our government pay for this research??)
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Butterflies taste with their feet..
> (Ah, geez.)
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
> (I know some people like that.)
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Starfish don't have brains.
> (I know some people like that, too.)
> *~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> And, the best for last?
> Turtles can breathe through their butts.
> (And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

 

[LeadHead]

Are you a Democrat, Republican, or a Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans, and Rednecks?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal ..40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

*********************

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 911?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

**************************

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

****************************

Redneck's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

 

[suzuki_dude]

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

my name is zachary, and im bad at math...ill tell my dad forget hme school...send me to catholic school.

 

[Rack]

California Love Story


A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next
hour just rubbing his testicles ...something she
just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that so much?"
"Because", she replied ...."I really miss mine."

 

[TWS]

oh wow! ouch!

 

[Rack]

oh wow! ouch!

Maybe I should change it as follows..............

California Love Story

Geek was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next
hour just rubbing his testicles ...something she
just loved to do.
As Geek was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that so much?"
"Because", she replied ...."I really miss mine."

 

[suzuki_dude]

Creamed Corn

there were 3 guys walkin thru the woods, they were very hungry because someone forgot to pack the food (cough-james-cough) and they came upon a cabin. 1 man went up and knocked on the door and an old nasty wart faced woman answered, the man said "exuse me mam, we've been wondering thru the woods all day and we're starving." then he asked "may we have some food, please?" then the lady said "you can have some food, but you have to plesure me first." () but the men were so hungry the man said reluctantly "ok" so she took him upstairs and laid down on the bed. the man realy didnt want to you know with her so he looked around the room and saw in the corner some cobs of corn, so he grabed one and started...well you know with the corn cob then threw it out the window and repeated untill the woman was satefied. then she gave him enough food for him and his 2 friends, and the man came outside and said "i've got us some food" and then men said "oh were not hungry anymore, that creamed corn you kept throwing out the window filled us up"

 

[suzuki_dude]

the man, the dog, and the 90 y/o lady.

there was a man sitting at the bar, sipping his beer and he noticed a huge jar of $20 bills on the end of the bar, he asked the ber tender "whats that jar of 20's for?" and the bar tender replyed "its a chalenge of stregth, guts, and courage" the man said "what do you mean" "you have to put $20 in that jar then (he pionted to a big strong looking man) beat the snot outta him, next, theres a big mean dog out back with an abbsest tooth you have to pull it, then lastly theres a 90 y/o lady upstairs who hasent had you know what since she was 20..you have to satisfy her then you get the whole jar" then the man said "nahh, im not up for that" but after another 2 hours of staring at that jar of 20's and getting more and more wasted he thought to himself what the heck i'll go for it so he jumped up put a 20 in the jar, whooped the big man, then said "wheres that dog?" the bar tender said "just out the back door" then the bar tender heard the most awful yipping and howling from that dog, then the man came back inside and said "now, wheres that old lady with the bad tooth?"

 

[suzuki_dude]

superman

once upon a time superman was flying thru the air and he saw wonder woman laying on a rooftop butt naked tanning with her legs all spred apart, and he thought well, i figure i could fly down there get me some of that and fly off before she knew what was going on. so he looped around and flew down, hoped on her and invisible man screamed "GET THE HECK OFF ME!"

 

[suzuki_dude]

speedy gonzalez

there was a newly-wed couple who was going to mexico for thier honey moon, the mans friend said "well dude, if you go to mexico you better watch out for speedy gonzalez, he'll come up, do your wife, and be gone in 10 seconds" so later that day they were in mexico and the man was laying there, and he started worrieing about speedy, so he thought if i stick my finger in there he wont be able to get at her so he stuck his finger in her and alittle later a fly landed on his nose, he pulled his finger out to shoo away the fly and as fast as he could put it back in. then he heard a mexican voice scream :ONDELAY ONDELA SENOIR GET YOUR FINGER OTTA MY BUT HOLE!"

 

[Mihylo33]

One late eveing a 5yr old boy named Davy walked into his parents bedroom. Upon entering Davey saw his father on top of his mother and assumed his father was hurting his mother because of her moaning. Davey began yelling at his father for hurting his mother and they jumped up in fear and began to fumble for answers.... Davey's father explained to him that he wasn't hurting mommy but very much in love with her and they were making him a baby brother or sister for him to play with.... satisfied with the answer Davey left the room and went off to bed humming happily with thoughts of a baby brother or sister... The mother and father resume their love making... 5 minutes later Davey kicks open the bedroom door and yells " Hey Dad! Phuk her doggy style, I want a puppy instead!"

 

[bobkyle2]

One late eveing a 5yr old boy named Davy walked into his parents bedroom. Upon entering Davey saw his father on top of his mother and assumed his father was hurting his mother because of her moaning. Davey began yelling at his father for hurting his mother and they jumped up in fear and began to fumble for answers.... Davey's father explained to him that he wasn't hurting mommy but very much in love with her and they were making him a baby brother or sister for him to play with.... satisfied with the answer Davey left the room and went off to bed humming happily with thoughts of a baby brother or sister... The mother and father resume their love making... 5 minutes later Davey kicks open the bedroom door and yells " Hey Dad! Phuk her doggy style, I want a puppy instead!"

ahhahahahahah