The Official Jokes Thread

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

 

James

Staff member
Electric fence

Authored by a retired dentist.


We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and

a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing

dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never

happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single

wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply

had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft.

long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground.

The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in

the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo

Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire

is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact

that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower

around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw

it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it

after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower

in my right hand and the 17 giga-volt fence wire in the

other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size

of a marine battery and had a picture of an upside down

cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up

the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards

and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the

backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton

rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was

literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece

of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control

my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the

same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three

at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in

less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of

bowel movement, where time is creeping along and

you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just

crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were

minutes in between but in reality it was so close

together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block

Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30

minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence

wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down

so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about

electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of shit

chargers made by International or whoever that were

like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not

let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting

signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex

river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm

going to have to just man up and take it, until the
lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has

settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind

of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop,

pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God

please die... Pleeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles

into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains

there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for

the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees,

80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging

God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left

me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the

misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The

lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later

on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had

been standing, and then another long skinny dead

spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground

still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure

and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of

the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I

realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and

my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do

not smell as bad as you might think.



5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a son of a bitch now.

Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some

carbon fouling or something, because it was better

than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they

are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting

while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand

this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound

respect for things. I appreciate the little things more,

and now I always triple check to make sure the fence

is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come

over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my

security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a

warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me

to triple check before I mow.
 

James

Staff member
Suicide Bombers to go on strike, The Times of London, 10/1/2010

Even journalists should be allowed a little time and room for frivolity. Here is a good spoof on a current concern in England.


Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on
Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently
resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off.
I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England, Ireland, Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway."

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.
 
Ol' Bob hangs up the phone after discussing detals with his deer hunting buddies of their up and coming hunting trip. Bob's wife comes in the room yelling at him telling him "he is not going to go deer hunting during their anniversary again". Bob then calls his buddies back and informs them of this sudden change in plans. The following weekend Tom, Bill and Jake show up to their usual deer camp as planned only to find Bob sitting there with a raging fire, a pile of fire wood and a cooler full of beer...they walked up Jake asks I thought you couldn't make it, when'd you get here? Bob said last night, night before that Martha walked up behind me real quiet like while I was watchin the huntin network, told me to close my eyes and to follow her...I did, she led me right into the bedroom where there was soft music playing, rose pettals all over the bed and floor and candles burning. She laid down on the bed, handed me a pair of hand-cuffs and said, I want you to lock me up tight and do what ever your want...so I locked her up to the bed, packed my shit in the truck grabbed my rifle and well.....here I am!
 
Hedge Clippers
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling Out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"


"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to
the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and
pee
through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used
to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I
stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge
clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I
surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off
it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"



"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
 
So I'm out playing a round of golf with 3 guys I've never met before at Green River GC in Corona. If you're not familiar with it it's right next to the 91 freeway...Anyways...1 of the other 3 guys tees off and really hooks his shot so bad it winds up ON THE FREEWAY. The ball causes a horrific accident...4 car pile up, fire the whole shabang, the guy takes off in the club car racing up to the Pro Shop to tell them what happened. He gets there and asks what he should do...the guy behind the desk says well from you've told me, just lay your club head back a bit, that'll open it up some and give a you a little more lift and hopefully keep your ball on the course! Have a nice day!!! :shocked:
 
So a penguin is driving his car in the desert. All of sudden his car breaks down. Luckily, he's pretty close to gas station. So he waddles behind his car and pushes it to the gas station. He asks the mechanic to take a look and find the problem. Mechanic tells him to come back in 30 minutes. So the penguin is getting hot being in the desert and all, and decides to find something to cool him off. He goes in the convenience store and buys some vanilla ice cream. He eats the ice cream and makes a big mess on his face. Finally he goes back to the mechanic to find out the problem. Mechanic says," Looks like you blew a seal." To which the penguin replies, "No, no. It's just a little ice cream."


We had an early Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday. We said grace, then my Dad followed up with saying that joke. :lol:
Then my 12 year old Asian brother followed up with this joke;

Three men who were lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.

The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him."You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied,"I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."


Luckily Grandma was ok with it. :smirk:
 
So a penguin is driving his car in the desert. All of sudden his car breaks down. Luckily, he's pretty close to gas station. So he waddles behind his car and pushes it to the gas station. He asks the mechanic to take a look and find the problem. Mechanic tells him to come back in 30 minutes. So the penguin is getting hot being in the desert and all, and decides to find something to cool him off. He goes in the convenience store and buys some vanilla ice cream. He eats the ice cream and makes a big mess on his face. Finally he goes back to the mechanic to find out the problem. Mechanic says," Looks like you blew a seal." To which the penguin replies, "No, no. It's just a little ice cream."


We had an early Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday. We said grace, then my Dad followed up with saying that joke. :lol:
Then my 12 year old Asian brother followed up with this joke;

Three men who were lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.

The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him."You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied,"I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."


Luckily Grandma was ok with it. :smirk:
I like how you tell us your brother is asian.... like it has allot to do with the story...
 
A Politician Dies And Goes To Heaven

A politician dies and goes to heaven.

Because he’s the first of his kind to reach the pearly gates, St. Peter
isn’t sure what to do, so he tells the guy to wait while he asks the boss.
St. Peter comes back and tells the politician, “The boss says you have to
spend a full day here and a full day in hell, then you have to choose
where to spend eternity.”

The politician says o.k., and decides to spend the first day in hell.
It’s GREAT – all his friends are there, there’s a great party going on,
cocktails, beautiful women… he has a wonderful time, and before he knows
it, his day is up and it’s time to go upstairs.

His day in heaven is pretty good too – so much fun that he again loses
track of time and the day goes by in a flash. and now it’s time to choose.

The politician tells St. Peter, “You may think i’m crazy, but i had more
fun in hell, all my friends are there, and I just think I’ll be happier
there.”

St. Peter says, “OK, fine by me, it’s your choice,” and the politician
goes back to hell.

But when the elevator doors open, it’s nothing but agony and misery,
lakes of fire, souls wailing in torment… the politician looks up at
satan and says, “But but but – I don’t understand, yesterday everything
was so cool and fun, what happened?”

Satan smiles down at him and says, “Well, yesterday was the campaign,
today you voted for us.”
 

James

Staff member
UPDATE ON MY SURGERY‏

I tried to keep this a secret, but somehow the news leaked out about it, so I thought I had better tell everyone.


Dear Family and Friends,

Most of you know I went in for a surgical
procedure for a Butt Lift. I didn't have the
most pleasant experience. I should've left
well enough alone.

I wanted to show you how it turned out. I
hope this keeps YOU from having this done.

Please, PLEASE, PLEASE . . . don't get a
Butt Lift. You will most certainly regret it !!!


























































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Did You know this little Christmas Story?




[FONT=Geneva, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.






[FONT=Geneva, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.






[FONT=Geneva, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]When he went to harness the reindeer, two of them had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.






[FONT=Geneva, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.






[FONT=Geneva, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.






[FONT=Geneva, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.[/FONT]





[FONT=Geneva, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'[/FONT]





[FONT=Geneva, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.[/FONT]



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I met a girl in the park the other evening.

There was an instant spark between us
and she immediately dropped to her knees
and laid on the grass at my feet.

As we lay making love, I thought
"These taser guns are well worth the money".
 
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