The Official Jokes Thread

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were chanting, "13, 13, 13..." The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14, 14, 14..."

:lol::lol::lol:
 

James

Staff member
An old man was sitting on a bench in the park. A young guy walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young guy looked, the old man was staring. The young guy finally said sarcastically,"What the fucks the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and fucked a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son"
 
An old man was sitting on a bench in the park. A young guy walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young guy looked, the old man was staring. The young guy finally said sarcastically,"What the fucks the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and fucked a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son"

:lol: :lol:
 
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
 
A mother to be and her husband were at the hospital preparing to give birth to their 3rd child...They've already had 2 babies both of which were a painfuil experience. When the dr asked if they'd be willing to try a new drug where the pain (in doses) is administerred into the mother to be is automatically transferred genetically into the father to be...they both agreed. Just before the birthing procedure began the dr injected the mother to be and said now the father ought to feel about 25% of your pain...her husband looks at both of them and says...nothing, feel good as gold. The dr looked on with some amazement but not too concerned. The mother to be noticed the lack of pain and was shocked but delighted at the same time. The dr asked if they'd like to try more, they both agreed and the dr turned it up to 50%...the husband looked at the dr then his wife and said HUH, nothing...this isn't so bad, and said, give it all to me. The dr at first was very reluctant to do so but the husband said awe, come on doc...I'm a big boy, let me have it....give it to me. So the dr cranked it up and released the entire amount into the mother to be...both felt no pain what so ever...the mother felt so good she was ready to go home...after a good nights sleep they arrived home and began walking up the walkway to the front door they noticed the UPS man lying almost dead at the doorstep. :naughty:
 
:picard:
A mother to be and her husband were at the hospital preparing to give birth to their 3rd child...They've already had 2 babies both of which were a painfuil experience. When the dr asked if they'd be willing to try a new drug where the pain (in doses) is administerred into the mother to be is automatically transferred genetically into the father to be...they both agreed. Just before the birthing procedure began the dr injected the mother to be and said now the father ought to feel about 25% of your pain...her husband looks at both of them and says...nothing, feel good as gold. The dr looked on with some amazement but not too concerned. The mother to be noticed the lack of pain and was shocked but delighted at the same time. The dr asked if they'd like to try more, they both agreed and the dr turned it up to 50%...the husband looked at the dr then his wife and said HUH, nothing...this isn't so bad, and said, give it all to me. The dr at first was very reluctant to do so but the husband said awe, come on doc...I'm a big boy, let me have it....give it to me. So the dr cranked it up and released the entire amount into the mother to be...both felt no pain what so ever...the mother felt so good she was ready to go home...after a good nights sleep they arrived home and began walking up the walkway to the front door they noticed the UPS man lying almost dead at the doorstep. :naughty:
 
Good! you can pay for the little Phuchers college then... lil bugger wants to go to MIT and Princeton law...:rolleyes:
I'm thinking Rez owes you some back child support. So Rez, I think what would be fare, would be pay for shipping to NJ, and get that Husa out to him ASAP.:thumb: You're welcome.:prof:
 
After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped to visit my dyslexic
friend. He was busy painting his penis with black shoe polish. I said to
him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!
 
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