The Official Jokes Thread

A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"
The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."


She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"


The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."


The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"


She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
 
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good" said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny" said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

Toothbrushes" said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town" said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip and Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!" Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the Obama method of giving you something shitty, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his efforts, bless his heart
 
The IRS sent my Tax Return back. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependends" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants, 3 million crack heads, 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 millions people in over 243 prisons and 535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate." Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
 

James

Staff member
Saw this on facebook :lol:

alright so funny story. dog gets out of the house, runs around like crazy, loves the street and chasing cars.. good right? ok so i go into the back of the van real quick to grab some tools, why i was going out there anyways, well the wind blew the door shut. child lock was on (ha ha right? child like, rape van, ok..) anyways.. so im stuck. i call all 3 or 4 ppl that i know that live around me, nothin. had to cal the cops to come get me outta my van. lol. thats not even the best part. the pit board on the back door has a giant FREE CANDY sign written on it. the cop looks at that weirdly then just stares at me. im like um well my friends think thats funny? probably not so much you... and she walks away. my house is probably on watch now. any missing children report investigations will all start at my house now. #whoops
 
 
Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
 
2 boys searching for their lost girlfriends:

1st: How your girlfriend look like?
2nd: 5'6, hot, sexy, blue eyes... what about yours?
1st: Forget about mine.. lets search for yours.
 
Top