The Official Jokes Thread

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.
I have done some of those and unfortunately, I still have to go shopping with my wife. My best one was farting next to a stroller and sitting back to watch the parents pick the baby up and sniff the diaper. That was a good day. :smirk:
 
I have done some of those and unfortunately, I still have to go shopping with my wife. My best one was farting next to a stroller and sitting back to watch the parents pick the baby up and sniff the diaper. That was a good day. :smirk:
nothing like this however, durijng a raffle the "caller" called out the first 3 of 6 numbers when I yelled out BINGO... everyone looked at me and sighed. :cry:... the caller looked up and asked, do we have a winner? I just started laughing... :smirk:
 
Dying Priest--

In Washington , D.C. . an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years
he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well
known among the elected officials. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I
die," whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a
response.

Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Harry Reid would be delighted
to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid, "I don't know why
the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images."
Reid agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in
his right hand and Reid's hand in his left hand.. There was silence and a look of
serenity on the old priest's face..

Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have
chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life
after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Obama. "Amen", said Reid.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would
like to do the same."
 

James

Staff member
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"
 
This, apparently is an actual letter received by the Canadian Passport Office,
from an irate Newfoundlander attempting to renew his passport.


Dear Sirs,


I'm in the process of renewing my passport,and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Bell-Alliant has my address and telephone number and knows
that I bought a friggin satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the
Canadian Government is still asking me where I was friggin
born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you
have on my pension checks, and it is on all the income tax forms
I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my Health card, my driving license,
my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had,
on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out
before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years,
and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name
is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be abso-fucking-lutely
astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me,
I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, t
hen you ask me for my fucking address!!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin'
there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go
and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit
whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?
If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat,
believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the
friggin city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate,
to the tune of $35. Would it be so complicated to have all the services
in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens
with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm
that it's really me on the damn picture -you know, the one
where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)
Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to?
Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed
An Irate Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting
someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in
Newfoundland since 1497 and I've been a Canadian Citizen since 1949
.......... I have served in the military for something over 30 years
and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years
enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
......... However, I have to get someone 'important' to v
verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ------------

WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN *^$%# ING PAKISTAN !
 

James

Staff member
This, apparently is an actual letter received by the Canadian Passport Office,
from an irate Newfoundlander attempting to renew his passport.


Dear Sirs,


I'm in the process of renewing my passport,and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Bell-Alliant has my address and telephone number and knows
that I bought a friggin satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the
Canadian Government is still asking me where I was friggin
born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you
have on my pension checks, and it is on all the income tax forms
I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my Health card, my driving license,
my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had,
on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out
before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years,
and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name
is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be abso-fucking-lutely
astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me,
I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, t
hen you ask me for my fucking address!!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin'
there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go
and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit
whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?
If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat,
believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the
friggin city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate,
to the tune of $35. Would it be so complicated to have all the services
in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens
with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm
that it's really me on the damn picture -you know, the one
where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)
Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to?
Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed
An Irate Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting
someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in
Newfoundland since 1497 and I've been a Canadian Citizen since 1949
.......... I have served in the military for something over 30 years
and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years
enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
......... However, I have to get someone 'important' to v
verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ------------

WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN *^$%# ING PAKISTAN !
What gives up there Mr. @Naturaledge ?
 
This, apparently is an actual letter received by the Canadian Passport Office,
from an irate Newfoundlander attempting to renew his passport.


Dear Sirs,


I'm in the process of renewing my passport,and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Bell-Alliant has my address and telephone number and knows
that I bought a friggin satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the
Canadian Government is still asking me where I was friggin
born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you
have on my pension checks, and it is on all the income tax forms
I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my Health card, my driving license,
my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had,
on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out
before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years,
and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name
is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be abso-fucking-lutely
astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me,
I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, t
hen you ask me for my fucking address!!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin'
there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go
and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit
whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?
If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat,
believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the
friggin city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate,
to the tune of $35. Would it be so complicated to have all the services
in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens
with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm
that it's really me on the damn picture -you know, the one
where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)
Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to?
Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed
An Irate Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting
someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in
Newfoundland since 1497 and I've been a Canadian Citizen since 1949
.......... I have served in the military for something over 30 years
and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years
enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
......... However, I have to get someone 'important' to v
verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ------------

WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN *^$%# ING PAKISTAN !
I am just glad to see that government morons are in other countries so close to our morons. :prof:
 
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