Extra Marital Affairs
The 1st Affair:A married man was having an affair with his secretary.One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.He put on his shoes and drove home."Where have you been?" his wife demanded."I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.""You lying bastard!You've been playing golf!"The 2nd Affair:A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"The 3th Affair:A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door."Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder."Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue.""What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room."Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."No more was said, not even when they went to bed.Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer."Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."The 4th Affair:A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer."Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.""One Cent?" the man thought.He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?""A nickel," the barman replied."A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"The bartender replied,"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."The 5th Affair:Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess.""There's no need to," his wife replied."No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!""I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
The word of the day is legs. Let’s go back to my place and spread the word.
You forgot the part aboutthem being like creamy peanut butter.... "SMOOTH AND EASY TO SPREAD". DOH! ..... .....The word of the day is legs. Let’s go back to my place and spread the word.
You forgot the part aboutthem being like creamy peanut butter.... "SMOOTH AND EASY TO SPREAD". DOH! ..... .....
That would be "YOUR" legs!
I think that this image is a good followup to that joke.School Tests
A young boy comes home from school & his mother says "What did you do today?"To which the boy answers, "Oh the usual, I had a math test, I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my English teacher."The mother , aghast, doesn't know that to say. She stems & stammers and finally, angrily, she says "go in & tell your father what you just told me!"The boy goes into see his father & says, "Mom sure is mad."The father says, "Why?""I just told her what I did in school today. I had a math test, I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my Science teacher."Well the father is beside himself with joy. He gives his son a nudge and a wink and says, "Congratulations -- you passed a milestone. I tell you what --let's go out and celebrate. We'll have some ice cream and then I'll buy you a new bike."To which the boy says, "The ice cream sounds great Dad, but let's hold off on the bike a few days -- my A*s is killing me."