The Official Jokes Thread

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had.
That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
 
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Ads Permanent Wave."
 
:lol:
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Ads Permanent Wave."
 
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Ads Permanent Wave."
That's a couple minutes I'll never get back.....:facepalm:
 
Agree with Rez /\

A woman is driving down the road in her pickup truck and sees a older indian woman hitch hiking and pulls over to pick her up. They are traveling down the road and the indian lady keep eyeing a bag with a bottle top hanging out of it laying on the seat between them. Finally her curiosity was to much and asked what was was in the bag? The woman said, "it was a bottle of wine she had got for her husband." The older indian woman said, "oh" with a puzzled look, about ten more miles down the road the old indian woman looked over at the woman driving and said, "that was a good trade."
 
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey! Where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 180 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."
 
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey! Where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 180 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."
:lol:
 
I saw this today and thought it must be a joke.
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Latino-themed pizza parlors coming to Fresno Written by Gabriel Dillard Monday, 28 November 2011 12:19



A Hispanic-themed pizza restaurant that accepts Mexican Pesos in payment will open its first Fresno store in a few weeks as part of a 20-store expansion along the Valley's Highway 99 corridor.
Dallas-based Pizza Patron has signed a development agreement with California Brand Development I-99, LLC, to open 20 stores from Bakersfield to Sacramento within 48 months. The first location in Fresno will open by the end of the year at 3235 N. First St., at the northwest corner of Shields Avenue and First Street, said Andrew Gamm, brand director for Pizza Patron.
The stores are primarily take-out only, and employ up to 15 people at each location, Gamm added.
Fresno will be the site of a second free-standing location that will feature a drive-thru window expected to open in mid-January, Gamm said. Another restaurant is currently being built in Atwater. The development group — which includes as a partner Atlanta-based Dave Early, a 20-plus-year veteran of the restaurant franchise industry — is currently in the site-selection process for the other locations, Gamm said.
"This group is well-capitalized," Gamm said. "They have the aptitude to make this happen."
Pizza Patron, founded in 1986, celebrated its 100th restaurant opening this year, with locations in seven states and another 85 in development. The company seeks franchise operators in "prime" Hispanic markets throughout the country. It asks franchise operators to hire locally based managers, and employ point-of-sale team members who are bilingual, Gamm said.
From the colorful decor to some of the pizza ingredients, which include Mexican-style chorizo sausage, Pizza Patron is committed to serving the Hispanic market. In 2007, the company announced all of its restaurants would accept Mexican Pesos (bills only) as payment.
Gamm said that while Pizza Patron currently only has five restaurants in California, it views the state as a prime market for future growth.
"Our plan is to be everywhere where there is a significant Hispanic community," Gamm said.
 
So not only do we have to pay for all of them to live here but now they can spend Mexican money as well? WTF is wrong with this state of morons we live in? :rant:What reason do they have as to why they can take in Pesos instead of U.S. currency? I know, maybe they can pay all the free loaders back with their own money. :thinking:
I saw this today and thought it must be a joke.
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Latino-themed pizza parlors coming to Fresno Written by Gabriel Dillard Monday, 28 November 2011 12:19



A Hispanic-themed pizza restaurant that accepts Mexican Pesos in payment will open its first Fresno store in a few weeks as part of a 20-store expansion along the Valley's Highway 99 corridor.
Dallas-based Pizza Patron has signed a development agreement with California Brand Development I-99, LLC, to open 20 stores from Bakersfield to Sacramento within 48 months. The first location in Fresno will open by the end of the year at 3235 N. First St., at the northwest corner of Shields Avenue and First Street, said Andrew Gamm, brand director for Pizza Patron.
The stores are primarily take-out only, and employ up to 15 people at each location, Gamm added.
Fresno will be the site of a second free-standing location that will feature a drive-thru window expected to open in mid-January, Gamm said. Another restaurant is currently being built in Atwater. The development group — which includes as a partner Atlanta-based Dave Early, a 20-plus-year veteran of the restaurant franchise industry — is currently in the site-selection process for the other locations, Gamm said.
"This group is well-capitalized," Gamm said. "They have the aptitude to make this happen."
Pizza Patron, founded in 1986, celebrated its 100th restaurant opening this year, with locations in seven states and another 85 in development. The company seeks franchise operators in "prime" Hispanic markets throughout the country. It asks franchise operators to hire locally based managers, and employ point-of-sale team members who are bilingual, Gamm said.
From the colorful decor to some of the pizza ingredients, which include Mexican-style chorizo sausage, Pizza Patron is committed to serving the Hispanic market. In 2007, the company announced all of its restaurants would accept Mexican Pesos (bills only) as payment.
Gamm said that while Pizza Patron currently only has five restaurants in California, it views the state as a prime market for future growth.
"Our plan is to be everywhere where there is a significant Hispanic community," Gamm said.
 
A precious little Texasgirl, with two missing teeth, walks into Pet Smart and asks the manager, "Excuthe me mithter, do you have any widdle wabbits?" As his heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, crosses her arms,

Leans forward and says;


"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
 
Here's another way to look at the Debt Ceiling:



Let's say, You come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in
your neighborhood....

and your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.



What do you think you should do ? ? ? ? ?



Raise the ceilings, or pump out the shit?



Your choice is coming Nov. 2012
 
Here's another way to look at the Debt Ceiling:



Let's say, You come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in
your neighborhood....

and your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.



What do you think you should do ? ? ? ? ?



Raise the ceilings, or pump out the shit?



Your choice is coming Nov. 2012
Obama + hope = NOPE :prof:
 
2 freinds go camping/backpacking far out in the woods one weekend...they get pretty far out there when 1 of the guys says "hey, hold up, I gotta take a crap"...the other guy stops says "OK good time to take a rest anyways"...the first guy walks over behind a bush and finds a perfect log to squat over...he does his thing and realizes he doesn't have any toilet paper...he yells to his buddy, "hey I aint got not TP"...his friend says no problem, use a dollar...he responds "you sure about that?" "Sure I'm sure, I've done it before, no big deal, works like a charm"...the first guys finishes up and walks out from behind the bush...flopping his hand around when his friend looks at him and says "WTF happened, I thought I told you to use a dollar"...the other guy says "I did, 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel" ... buh dum bum tshhhh. Thank you I'll be here all week! :D
 
Two LOUISIANA hunters hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot told them the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one moose.

The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."

Not wanting to be outdone by his competition, the pilot reluctantly gave in and everything was loaded onboard.

However, even under full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness and killing the pilot.
But, somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Bubba and Bobby Joe survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Bubba asked Bobby Joe, "Any idea where we are?"

Bobby Joe looked around for a moment and then replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
 
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